Cabin Boy
by wormbuffet
Summary: Captain Kirk likes to eat grapes, and the Enterprise is, as usual, a silly place. One-shot drabble.


"Science Officer Boomer, please report to the bridge." Communication's officer Uhura's voice echoed through the corridor. "Officer Boomer, please report."

Science Officer Spock raised his eyebrow. Recently his Captain, in a fit of eccentricity, had made up silly code-names for everyone and insisted in using them constantly. This had been tolerable, perhaps slightly amusing, the first day. It had now been three days and Spock's patience was wearing thin.

"Captain?" he said through his teeth, appearing behind the blonde's Command Chair.

"Boomer."

"Hello, Captain. Did you...want me?"

"Ah, yes. I just wanted to say, from now on you will no longer be addressed as 'Officer Boomer."

"Sir?"

"Yes, yes. From now on I shall call you, 'Cabin Boy' and you will wear these stockings when you appear for duty on the bridge. It would...please me."

"But Sir..." Spock struggled for words. "Sir, I have to wear boots as part of my uniform. You won't be able to see them, Sir."

"Then go sock-footed!"

"Sir, I hardly think that would be appro-"

"Silence!" Kirk shouted.

"Alright." Spock conceded, not wanting a fight. "And should I stop calling you Sarah?"

"No! I'm still Sarah."

"Sir?-"

"Sarah!"

"Sarah, Sir. Sir, was there anything else you wanted to speak to me about?"

"Well, yes, now that you mention it. There's an asteroid heading directly towards the ship at warp five."

"WHAT!"

"Yes, yes, Cabin-Boy. But worry not; I have already decided to blow it up with the phasers."

"Sir, that would jeopardize the entire ship! The shrapnel would decimate us!"

"Hush and put on your stockings, Cabin-Boy." Kirk said dismissively, waving his hand. Spock crossed his arms.

"Really sir, I must protest." he said severely. "Helmsman Sulu, what is the asteroid's course?"

"203 mark 8 and closing, sir. It's headed straight for us."

"Adjust course. Evasive action."

"No," interjected Captain Kirk. "Hold course, Commander."

"Sir!-"

"Sarah."

"Whatever. Changing course is the logical answer to this problem, Sir. Please, allow me to explain-"

"The devil with explaining, Spock! I mean, Cabin-Boy! I wanna fire those lasers! And I'm gonna! Who's the Captain here, anyhow?"

"You, Sir," Spock admitted reluctantly. "But as Captain, part of your responsibilities are to maintain the safety of your ship and crew. Blowing up the asteroid would compromise your duty. I demand you reconsider my proposal. The most _logical _choice-"

"Asteroid collision estimated in one minute!" Sulu called out.

"Look here, Cabin-Boy. I like firing lasers. And I like eating grapes. Now, I'm gonna have my cake and eat it, too. Im going to eat grapes and fire my lasers while I do it." Kirk said fiercely, spinning around in his chair. He got that squinty rebellious look.

"Sir, to do so would result in the death of the entire crew."

"Crew-shmew."

"Also, my death."

"Pshhh."

"And your own."

"So?"

"Sir, if you are dead, logically, you can never fire lasers or eat grapes again. Are you willing to sacrifice that?" Spock challenged, attempting to reach Kirk on his own, extremely base, level.

"Asteroid collision estimated in 15 seconds, Sir!"

"Hum!" said Kirk, pondering. He glanced at Yeoman Rand, who stood nearby with a bowl of grapes. He shifted in his commander chair and adjusted his waistband to accommodate his belly.

"I dunno, Spock. I mean, Cabin Boy. I really want to eat them now."

"Captain!" bellowed Spock in frustration, and then the asteroid hit. Shrieks and grunts echoed all over the ship as the Enterprise rocked with the impact. Spock stood as soon as the shaking stopped and the lights flickered back on.

"We've taken heavy damage, but it isn't irreparable, Sir. Switching to emergency power."

"See, Captain? And your grapes were stepped on by Ensign O'Riley, thanks to your indecision."

Kirk's smooth, pudgy face crumpled with emotion. He threw his head to one side and covered his leaking eyes.

"Spock, I can't take it...make me forget, like after that android I wanted to bone blew herself up..."

"Jim?" Spock asked, putting a soothing hand on his shoulder.

"It's Sarah..." Kirk hiccuped. "It's...Sarah..."

"I know it is," his Vulcan science officer assured him.


End file.
